communication overload

ok, so it's happening again. my thoughts phrase themselves as tweets, and facebook statuses and texts messages. and i can's stop it. for example, i'll subconsciously limit the length of my thoughts to a convenient length of say, 140 characters? crazy, i know. or i'll have a thought, but it's like oh, this is what i'm going to text so and so. basically, i don't even control my own mind.

ok, exaggeration, obvi, but it's very real what social media can do. and coupled with my ridiculous dreams as of late, i just have to wonder what i'm trying to tell myself.

"it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

that's one of my favorite lines all time from the Harry Potter series (i am not a lame, i promise, get on it). it's Dumbledore telling Harry not to get too caught up in the Mirror of Erised, but this explanation is turning into a digression, so allow me to focus.

i usually have very vivid dreams, but lately more so, since i guess my life is kind of out of wack. now, they feature people i see rarely, left behind, and wish i could see more. or they're just freaky weird.

like, i dreamed there was a wildcat (a la talledega nights) in my house. and we thought we could take it out by hitting it on the head. that didn't work, so we called the police. and i remember so clearly the police coming, one gunshot. two gunshots. and it was dead, blood splatters and all. so i might stay away from the zoo for a while.

then i dreamed that i was on a road trip with some friends, and for some reason we stopped at an amalgamated insurance building (random, really). and a couple of my friends went in to set up a meeting, came and got us. so these business people allowed us to show them our resumes since, obviously post-grad, we're job searching (relevant, at the least). i didn't have one, so i even had to go on careernet to pull it up. i seem to be very productive.

etc, etc, it goes on, but what's the point. i love my dreams, like my sleep dreams. alternate realities and all that, i don't know what they mean, but here's to the beginning of documentation. word up though, to Dumbledore. live live.

the graduate[d].

i've finally graduated college and now, i think i'm the most conflicted i've ever been. no one ever tells you (actually they do, but you just ignore) that graduation is really life-changing. like really. one day i'm in yankee stadium listening to Sec. Hillary speak, and the next day i'm in Ohio, rolling my eyes as my mother tells me to clean my room.

graduation is like twilight zone. you feel so grown up and on the verge, but also totally clueless. maybe if i had gotten my shit together earlier i would be less frazzled and anxious, and admittedly bitter, but i didn't, and so here i am. what to do. what to do?

i want to work and make money, of course. money creates, and that's Bible (borrowed guiltlessly from the Kardashians). i need to be in New York. i need certain people. i love my family and this city to death, but this is not for me right now. William, we've got to get out of here! really.

i think of graduation, and i'm infinitely proud. i mean, i did it. even with the bullshitting and questionable decisions, i've got that college degree to keep me warm now. 22 and college-graduated is so real.

and i'm grateful as i look back because senior year was so real. being on that elite shit was a good look. from dancing in the auction, to a crazy bananas March, a crazier April (wow) and May. eternally grateful for the beautiful people i know and the city as the perfect backdrop. i couldn't make it up. it was the last year, but i had my share of breakthrough moments, hand me the award.

so to end this slightly pointless, but most cathartic rant, i still have no idea of what's next. i'm looking and searching, being open-minded, but hoping for the ideal. trying to get inspired to be next-level, trying not to waste my blessings, trying to make sure my life is the one i want. remember, i just gotta make it.

09, swag out.

the graduate.

this school year will be my senior year at NYU. i think that's pretty amazing that i'm almost done with college. but it's also overwhelmingly nerve wracking. i have no idea what i want for the rest of my life. at least, not in any specifics. i don't know what i want to do. what i want to be. who i want to be. if any of that matters.

i hope i don't sound like a failure. i know for some that uncertainty is a sign of weakness. a miscalculation that results from a lack of preparation.

but, i'd have to wholly disagree.

for me it's an open mindedness. it's an acceptance of the fact that i don't know everything and am willing to learn. uncertainty for me means that I care enough to consider it all, and i won't be tied down to anything. i need to live.

my parents are on me about grad school. my father says that they'll need a list of schools and courses of study before i go back to new york on sunday. mind you, this is all after i told them that i didn't especially want to go to grad school. and my father got all snarky, saying fine, you don't have to go. she can just get an apartment and a job. any job, whether it's flipping burgers or anything else. thanks for the support pops.

but on the real. i don't see myself in grad school. i don't really see myself in a lot of places until i'm there though, so maybe i should just go for it. but i don't want it to be a waste.

now, more than ever, i just have this urge to blow up. to make it. to really get next level. and i want to be me. i don't want to be forced into anything, pushed in any direction. i want these next steps to be of my own mind, but i still know that i need help.

so the end is near. c/o '09 is live of course, so i know this year will be extra official. you just have to respect senior status. and i hope that i get some more perspective and a better sense of what i want and what i need. what will make me happy.

i'm hoping to put myself on. i'm not entirely ready for graduation, but i will take that shit. i've earned it, let me reap the rewards.

yeahhh, these next few months should be really interesting. catastrophic, euphoric, perplexing. i don't know.

i just gotta make it.

hi! do you have a minute for __________?

i don't know about other cities, but i know that if you live in New York, then you've definitely heard this intro.

meet the clipboard activists.

you're walking down the street minding your business. maybe it's a good day, maybe a bad day. but you basically just want to be left alone. unless it's somebody reasonably attractive or a celebrity, you don't want to be bothered.

but ohhh, how they care not.

you'll see them, wearing their organization's t-shirt, with a messenger bag strapped across their body. sometimes they're holding a clipboard, other times they're not. but they're looking to trap you. draw you in. or just plain pester you.

as you attempt to walk by/ slide past unnoticed:

"hi! do you have a minute for gay rights/children/the environment?!"

if you say no, you come off like a heartless devil-child. if you say yes, then you have been conquered.

personally, i try to say nothing at all. give a hint of smile and keep it moving.

but some of them follow you.

you'll give your nothing smile and dismissive nod, and somehow, they take that as an invitation to pursue you down the street.

one time, i clearly was not trying to talk to anyone, just coming back from lunch, sipping a frappucino, on my way back to work. but dude would not let me live. he walked side by side like we were cool, or better yet, like we even knew each other.

he was working for children's international. so he did his whole spiel about starving kids and how i could save them [that sounds mean. i don't want kids to starve. but i don't want to be badgered into donating either. what a conundrum]. and at the end, he asked me to donate. of course, i said something like, "i don't know, i'm not sure. do you have anything i could read and get back to you later?"

and they never do.

it's like they want your money right then, or not ever. i find that a bit counterproductive and contradictory. but that's just me.

so then he said something like what is there to think about? don't you care? you could help right now! but i'm not the one to just volunteer credit card info on the whim, on the streets, even if for a good cause. when he realized he would get nothing from me, he said ok, thanks, have a nice day. but he gave me a look that distinctly said, "you will burn in hell for this, and i will be carrying the clipboard, on which i will check 'extra fire.' "

oh well. "i'm not looking at you dudes, i'm looking past you." so true.

are you thinking what i'm thinking?

to come:

• WNBA
• clipboard activists

deuces.

walk of life.

so i told my homes the other day that we needed to go on a "walk of life." these walks, by definition should be completely random, so by dictating that we do one, i kind of defeated the spontaneity of it. but still-it's real.

what i call a walk of life is an experience. it's a time when you focus on the now. whatever pops into your head, your heart, your stomach, whatever, you satisfy it in that moment. it's charcterized by randomness (whatever that word means these days). i turn left, the convo changes. i turn right, maybe it's a new approach. you get it?

and, if i daresay must, it must, be at night. the night for me facilitates that restless spirit. the gotta go now. the these walls are driving me crazy. the nightime air awaits feel.

maybe it's a walk where nothing matters. it doesn't take itself seriously-there's no goal. maybe that sounds like the ruin of our generation, but i love that feeling. not just of not caring, but of not having to care. to be able to make one decision without thinking of its effect on another. i wouldn't call it irresponsibility, but maybe it's close. it's my secure recklessness. i welcome the uncertain. i'm not thinking about the 10 page paper, or the presentation, the problem set, the meeting, the notebook, the pencil-whatever. it's about me and all that other. a selfish little event that's mine.

the walk of life is a non sequitur. it's nothing like what you were doing before earlier in the day. you weren't thinking of going on one. it just happens.

so it follows that on this walk, you're accompanied by a down for anything kind of person. someone who isn't worried. it's not that he or she doesn't care, it's more like, what's the point?
this is someone that's chill, where the words come and go easy, and the next step is the best step.

since all (2?) of my walks of life have been in New York, it makes me feel like an urban adventurer. but an adventurer that doesn't get tired, pressed, stressed, or bored.
blocks upon blocks we walk. don't know just how far we've gone, cause we're looking forward, not back. and we don't see street signs cause they're not in our eyeline.

and it's a walk where distance matters. travel. explore. get the most mileage outta those $40 chucks. blisters, cramps, aches--and? please, move on.

personally? i've done one walk of life from west 4th st. to water street. think about it, please. one is the locale where ballers get to work. the other is just about certified wall street. just the differences in the places is enough, but the experience of walking into one realm of consciousness after another that's dictated by these hoods is something crazy. really. like did you just walk from the village, into chinatown, to the financial district? yeah i did.

my inaugural walk of life, and probably the biggest and baddest one, was crazy. don't really remember where we started, but we'll say around west 13th street. walked to the west village. the east river. around and around. then times square. yes. get into how real that is. walk back to 13th. then off again to a 7/11 on 23rd and Lex. it just gets realer and weirder. but always in a good way.

i wish i had a camera during these moments, but i always forgot them. and since it's so the essence of now, there's no turning back. so you just remember. like how one old, very possibly crazy dude came up to me and the aforementioned friend, saying real crazy stuff. "yeah, yall look good...yall eat p....." but you get the picture. i would say be prepared, but why? it's all in the not knowing. the oh shit, did that really just happen? "ignorance is bliss" works every time here.

and you just go.
it's.... "i want a chili cheese dog." "alright." "uhhh, let's just go this way." "sure." "you pick a direction." "okkkk, left."


it's really that simple. and perfect.