the graduate.

this school year will be my senior year at NYU. i think that's pretty amazing that i'm almost done with college. but it's also overwhelmingly nerve wracking. i have no idea what i want for the rest of my life. at least, not in any specifics. i don't know what i want to do. what i want to be. who i want to be. if any of that matters.

i hope i don't sound like a failure. i know for some that uncertainty is a sign of weakness. a miscalculation that results from a lack of preparation.

but, i'd have to wholly disagree.

for me it's an open mindedness. it's an acceptance of the fact that i don't know everything and am willing to learn. uncertainty for me means that I care enough to consider it all, and i won't be tied down to anything. i need to live.

my parents are on me about grad school. my father says that they'll need a list of schools and courses of study before i go back to new york on sunday. mind you, this is all after i told them that i didn't especially want to go to grad school. and my father got all snarky, saying fine, you don't have to go. she can just get an apartment and a job. any job, whether it's flipping burgers or anything else. thanks for the support pops.

but on the real. i don't see myself in grad school. i don't really see myself in a lot of places until i'm there though, so maybe i should just go for it. but i don't want it to be a waste.

now, more than ever, i just have this urge to blow up. to make it. to really get next level. and i want to be me. i don't want to be forced into anything, pushed in any direction. i want these next steps to be of my own mind, but i still know that i need help.

so the end is near. c/o '09 is live of course, so i know this year will be extra official. you just have to respect senior status. and i hope that i get some more perspective and a better sense of what i want and what i need. what will make me happy.

i'm hoping to put myself on. i'm not entirely ready for graduation, but i will take that shit. i've earned it, let me reap the rewards.

yeahhh, these next few months should be really interesting. catastrophic, euphoric, perplexing. i don't know.

i just gotta make it.

hi! do you have a minute for __________?

i don't know about other cities, but i know that if you live in New York, then you've definitely heard this intro.

meet the clipboard activists.

you're walking down the street minding your business. maybe it's a good day, maybe a bad day. but you basically just want to be left alone. unless it's somebody reasonably attractive or a celebrity, you don't want to be bothered.

but ohhh, how they care not.

you'll see them, wearing their organization's t-shirt, with a messenger bag strapped across their body. sometimes they're holding a clipboard, other times they're not. but they're looking to trap you. draw you in. or just plain pester you.

as you attempt to walk by/ slide past unnoticed:

"hi! do you have a minute for gay rights/children/the environment?!"

if you say no, you come off like a heartless devil-child. if you say yes, then you have been conquered.

personally, i try to say nothing at all. give a hint of smile and keep it moving.

but some of them follow you.

you'll give your nothing smile and dismissive nod, and somehow, they take that as an invitation to pursue you down the street.

one time, i clearly was not trying to talk to anyone, just coming back from lunch, sipping a frappucino, on my way back to work. but dude would not let me live. he walked side by side like we were cool, or better yet, like we even knew each other.

he was working for children's international. so he did his whole spiel about starving kids and how i could save them [that sounds mean. i don't want kids to starve. but i don't want to be badgered into donating either. what a conundrum]. and at the end, he asked me to donate. of course, i said something like, "i don't know, i'm not sure. do you have anything i could read and get back to you later?"

and they never do.

it's like they want your money right then, or not ever. i find that a bit counterproductive and contradictory. but that's just me.

so then he said something like what is there to think about? don't you care? you could help right now! but i'm not the one to just volunteer credit card info on the whim, on the streets, even if for a good cause. when he realized he would get nothing from me, he said ok, thanks, have a nice day. but he gave me a look that distinctly said, "you will burn in hell for this, and i will be carrying the clipboard, on which i will check 'extra fire.' "

oh well. "i'm not looking at you dudes, i'm looking past you." so true.