the graduate.

this school year will be my senior year at NYU. i think that's pretty amazing that i'm almost done with college. but it's also overwhelmingly nerve wracking. i have no idea what i want for the rest of my life. at least, not in any specifics. i don't know what i want to do. what i want to be. who i want to be. if any of that matters.

i hope i don't sound like a failure. i know for some that uncertainty is a sign of weakness. a miscalculation that results from a lack of preparation.

but, i'd have to wholly disagree.

for me it's an open mindedness. it's an acceptance of the fact that i don't know everything and am willing to learn. uncertainty for me means that I care enough to consider it all, and i won't be tied down to anything. i need to live.

my parents are on me about grad school. my father says that they'll need a list of schools and courses of study before i go back to new york on sunday. mind you, this is all after i told them that i didn't especially want to go to grad school. and my father got all snarky, saying fine, you don't have to go. she can just get an apartment and a job. any job, whether it's flipping burgers or anything else. thanks for the support pops.

but on the real. i don't see myself in grad school. i don't really see myself in a lot of places until i'm there though, so maybe i should just go for it. but i don't want it to be a waste.

now, more than ever, i just have this urge to blow up. to make it. to really get next level. and i want to be me. i don't want to be forced into anything, pushed in any direction. i want these next steps to be of my own mind, but i still know that i need help.

so the end is near. c/o '09 is live of course, so i know this year will be extra official. you just have to respect senior status. and i hope that i get some more perspective and a better sense of what i want and what i need. what will make me happy.

i'm hoping to put myself on. i'm not entirely ready for graduation, but i will take that shit. i've earned it, let me reap the rewards.

yeahhh, these next few months should be really interesting. catastrophic, euphoric, perplexing. i don't know.

i just gotta make it.